Love has become a cliché word. When spoken too often or written too many times, it loses its meaning. Having said that, I am going to use it a lot in this post; sorry. I’ve found that love, when properly acted upon and practiced daily, has the capacity to energize, inspire and empower unlike anything else in my life. It is the secret sauce to my happiness and motivation. Love can push me to do that which is uncomfortable and find success beyond what I ever thought possible. But before I could reach those heights, I had to start small.
A Simple Concept
The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida changed my life. I read this book when I really needed to. I was in my mid 30s and didn’t know where my path was headed or if I wanted to continue following it. On paper nothing was wrong, but everything sucked. I had a beautiful wife, two healthy young sons, a house, a job, but still felt lost. I had blindly followed a trajectory in life that was pre-molded for me and hadn’t really questioned if it was the right one. This book made me realize that my path and its eventual end point were not the problem.
Deida covers a lot of topics on being your best self and connecting with your purpose and spouse. There was one concept that was so simple and obvious. Reading it was a lightbulb moment that had endless possibilities. I could use this tactic immediately with impactful results. It could be applied to everything that seemed off in my life as well as the positive aspects.
Love is a verb.
Crazy, right? But before you roll your eyes and get mad at me for the utterly boring reveal, hear me out.
You can love a lot of things. Some people love chocolate, movies, books or nature. But generally, that is referring to love as a noun. The book talks about the importance of actively loving. To love someone in the traditional sense can live in the background of a relationship and easily forgotten. To actively love someone or something is to consciously put forth effort every day towards that relationship.
Application
Feel what you want to give most as a gift, to your woman and to the world, and do what you can to give it today.
David Deida
Sometimes I have to force myself to practice this technique. It is not always easy to drum up the energy to love; whatever or whomever is on the receiving end. There are times when I just don’t feel like it, or I am angry, and that anger is easier to bear than forcing love. But if I am able to get over that hump and push myself to let love win the moment, I never regret it. This slight adjustment in the approach to relationships have had a dramatic impact on my connection with my wife, friends, family, kids and even work or hobbies.
Spouse
I had to reshape how I interacted with my wife. We had been together since college, and we knew each other so well that our “love” was often assumed and not practiced. I needed to remember that this was my person; the one I chose over anyone else. She had put up with me and continued to love me through the years when I wasn’t bringing my best self to the table. I was lucky to have her and didn’t want to take that for granted.
I needed to shift my attitude as often as possible when we interacted. Starting by being more present in our conversations. Trying to put myself in her shoes and to see where she was coming from. Not keeping score about things said or done. Doing something every day to make her smile.
The Results
I wasn’t perfect, far from it, but when I made the effort to really love her, everything felt different. I could tell she was receptive to my energy and I felt happier, too. Life’s twists and turns became easier to navigate because finding our footing with each other reminded us that we were a team.
Taking this approach is beneficial in many ways. It got me out of my own head and I started to appreciate what I had. It forced me to look at each relationship differently and take ownership of my contribution. How could I make this connection stronger? What does the person on the other side need that I can help them with? I wanted to test this new theory out anywhere I could.
Friends/Family
Having lost friends and family members in my life, I know what it feels like to wish I had done more when I had the chance. More to connect with that person. More to help them when they needed it. How could I have been a better friend or loved one? Living with this regret is pointless if I don’t learn from those lessons and improve upon it in my current relationships.
I started to reach out to friends and family members more often. I began calling people I hadn’t spoken to in years. With plenty to catch up on, each conversation was lively and exciting. I embraced the mindset of active-listening and asking questions. Engaging in the interaction was felt on both sides of the phone, and it added thoughtfulness to the discussion.
I tried to think of other ways I could show love to those I cared about. I began making more of an effort to remember birthdays or other life events. Sending random handwritten notes to people made their day (everyone likes getting mail), and if I was in a store and saw something that reminded me of someone, I might buy it and send a gift out of the blue.
These small acts of kindness can make a huge impression on someone’s day. And the feeling of satisfaction knowing that you played a roll in that positive change is worth all the effort.
Kids
My boys are a perfect example of how impactful this skill of actively loving can be in a relationship. With immediate results I am able to see how important my effort is to our family’s happiness, prosperity, and general well-being.
It’s easy to get lost in the minutiae of everyday life with children. Between commuting to and from school/sports/camp and cramming in homework/meals/playtime at home, most days can feel like a blur. My mind can get so wrapped up in the schedule that I forget to stop and focus on the present moment with my sons.
Putting down my phone to wrestle with them. Layering up and showing them how to play in the cold and enjoy it. Engaging in conversations about Pokémon and Minecraft when all I want to do is…literally anything else. I have to remember that my connection with them is the first building block of their social lives, and my approach will be mirrored; for better or for worse.
My boys are elated when I’m fully engaged and interacting with them. In those moments, nothing else matters. I believe it’s the very best gift we parents can ever give our kids.
Work/Hobbies
Deida focuses a lot of the book on relationships with others. But at its foundation the book is about the readers relationship with themselves. A big part of that relationship is a persons purpose or “gift” as he calls it.
Your gift might be the job you are currently in. That’s great. Lean in. Put forth that same love technique into your work. Foster a productive, fulfilling, celebrated relationship with your work and you will get the most out of your time and effort.
If your gift is outside of work, pursue it today! You don’t have to quit your job necessarily, but take steps towards that passion every day. Maybe it leads to something full time, maybe not, but you will only know if you put in the effort of trying.
Put in the Reps
Every moment waited is a moment wasted.
David Deida
What’s interesting is that from the outside looking in my life now is not wildly different from before I read this book. I am still in the same career, but I have found new appreciation for it. I still have all of the same family and friends, but many of those connections are deeper and more meaningful to me. If anything my responsibilities have increased. I have had plenty of hardships, but, if I remind myself daily that love is a verb and put this concept into practice, I feel happier and more content in my life.
