Dad lessons are an age old past time. They have induced eye rolls and bedroom door slams for generations. These nuggets of knowledge have the uncanny ability to annoy children and create a power struggle of who knows best. These lessons can also, however, create a bond between both parties, if approached with an open mind (and once the chaos has settled).

I am a father of two boys. These two little humans have been extremely influential teachers in my life. Whether I like it or not, they hold a mirror up to my actions and words so that I can see who I truly am. 

If I lose my cool on one of them, they are quick to act the same way towards each other. If I am dismissive and tell them “not now,” I am sure to hear that response the next time I ask them to get dressed. 

The same is true for positive feedback (although this sometimes takes more effort). When I am an example of calm, confident leadership my boys are much more receptive to my words and mimic those actions in their own lives.

I often find myself waxing poetic with them and when I turn around, they have left the room and I’m talking to myself. Still looking for an audience, I realize that sometimes I need to hear my lessons as much as they do. Here are a few highlights:

Dad Lesson #1

“Don’t waste energy on unimportant arguments”

This was in the middle of a fight where blame was being thrown from both sides. The arguments of who-did-what were exhausting, and everyone was getting upset. “Unimportant” is a tricky concept because in the heat of the moment, everything seems vital, especially protecting the ego. Chances are though, if you take yourself out of a situation for some time, your drive to continue arguing will fade. If there are still some lingering issues you want to address, do so with a calm mind. Breathe, take a few moments, and redirect that energy to something other than the fight.

Dad Lesson #2

“Don’t let your LIFE get soggy”

Alright, this one was about his cereal, but after I said it, I wanted to get it tattooed on my chest. Complacency is a killer, and many people become very comfortable in their rinse and repeat way of life. Going through the motions can lead you to a goal, but it is also easy to find yourself in a rut with no direction. Devour LIFE while it is fresh, or it will quickly turn into mush.

Dad Lesson #3

“The most important relationship in your life is the one with yourself.”

This is actually a quote from Diane von Furstenberg, but is something we take seriously with our kids. “I hate myself” and “I’m so stupid” are common sayings that we address immediately. As we get older we may not say these out loud, but the sentiments are still common in adults. Continuous work on the relationship you have with yourself will build strong, compassionate character. 

Dad Lesson #4

“If you don’t address and talk about scary things, they will rule your thoughts and cloud your judgement.”

An easier way to say this, which I learned from the book The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson PhD is: “name it to tame it.” We recently had to work through something with our 8 year old who had accidentally seen something that scared him so much, he refused to go to separate floors of the house without us. After some digging, we got to the bottom of what was on his mind and started the process of bringing it to the surface and naming it, which helped him take back control of his thoughts.

The mind has the ability to torture us by replaying scary or traumatic events in our head. Kids and adults alike fall victim to this cycle when we keep something that we’re afraid to face bottled up. What’s scary to my son may not be scary to me, but I have plenty of my own fears and uncertainties. When I talk about them I give myself permission to let them be what they are: thoughts! And when I share them with someone I trust I can get feedback and move forward. Name it to tame it.

Dad Lesson #5

“Don’t risk trust over something insignificant”

Little white lies are an hourly occurrence with our kids. When they were younger, it was funny to watch them try and get away with nonsense. I now try and take the opportunity to instill the importance of trust with each fib. With a promise of no shaming or overreaction, I ask them to be honest with me. Usually the truth surfaces. If the offense deserves a consequence, we discuss that later, but the truth is most important in that moment.

Parenting Lessons for Myself

I have a lot to learn in this life. Many of the lessons are already in my head, just buried somewhere deep. The biggest lesson I teach my boys is to never stop improving. I make plenty of mistakes and am open with them about what I need to work on. Growing doesn’t stop when you’ve reached your max height.