“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”

Andy Richter

As a dad of two boys, I am embarrassed to admit how much my ego gets in the way of my parenting. I am guilty of caring what other people think about my sons. I often worry about my kids’ behavior being a reflection of my parenting skills. Part of why I think this way is because I also catch myself judging other parents for their kids’ actions. None of this is fair. It’s not fair to my sons, to the other parents, and most importantly, it’s not fair to me (there it goes again)!

The ego is a powerful thing that I feel needs to be monitored, especially when parenting. I can no longer focus solely on my own wellbeing and growth. I am raising actual human beings from scratch and releasing them into the world. Yikes! It’s time to get over myself.

While my kids’ behavior can be tied back to how my wife and I parent, our parental grades are not the priority. How others perceive us, or our kids is not the priority. The number one priority is giving our boys the best chance at surviving and thriving in this world; building their confidence and self-worth so they can navigate the good and bad times in life. This is great in theory but can be difficult in practice. 

Same but Different

I was recently talking with a friend about fatherhood. Our families were on vacation together and we were discussing the dynamics of the four kids.

I had mentioned that it drives me nuts when my son is the loudest in the room (a trait he gets from me). I explained that I don’t know how to make this clear to my son. That no one likes those outbursts and to lower his voice. My friend nodded and seemed to sympathize and said that he had the opposite problem with his oldest. He couldn’t get him to open up and let loose in those same settings, but that’s ok, my friend told me. It doesn’t matter what I want, it’s part of his personality. I no longer speak to this friend because he’s right all the time.

Switch the Perspective

I realized in that moment that while yes, it is my job to explain to my son that loud outbursts are not appropriate in certain situations, I also need to approach those conversations from a place of understanding.  Knowing this is who he is and not getting angry about it, helps me focus on the specific teachable moment. 

I have a son who can be loud and boisterous at times. That will surely be beneficial at some point in his life (i.e. cheering at sporting events or if he is ever lost in the arctic). I need to embrace it. My job is not to mute him. My job is to teach him when to use those beautiful and powerful vocal cords and when not to. 

First Mentors

I grew up in a house with five kids, two parents and two dogs. The chaos level had the ability to reach tremendous heights. My four siblings are close in age. My mother had four kids by the age of 24! I can’t imagine how hectic the house must have been. To make matters more insane, I came along eight years later.  With a newborn, eight year-old twin girls, and ten and eleven year-old boys, my parents had to dig deep to find peace. 

When I ask my parents about those times, they are able to look back and laugh. The feelings of exhaustion, frustration, anger, sadness, and utter joy were ever present for them just like any other parent. But most of the time they seemed to be able to look beyond the madness of the moment and didn’t let the small stuff bother them.

I know for a fact that I have some qualities that grind my parents’ gears. All five of us challenged them to question their parenting skills and feel all hope was lost.  But they never burdened us with those feelings. What we saw were two parents filled with love and acceptance of the pandemonium that was our life together.

Leading by Example

While I can remember a few times we forced her to lose composure, for the most part, my memories of my childhood were with a calm and collected mother. She was tasked with the bulk of the parenting duties during the day, and she handled it with grace and dignity. 

My father was working a lot in my early years. Trying to keep the family business afloat, he was out the door before we woke up and home for just few hours before bedtime. As most parents know, those early evening hours where kids are burning the final flames of energy can be the loudest. But similar to my mom, I don’t remember my dad frustrated or annoyed, even though I’m sure they were.

My parents are not superhuman and have their flaws, but their ability to tolerate our quirks and focus on building confident, well-rounded individuals is a trait I hope to pass on to my boys. 

Emotions are OK

This pandemic has gifted me a lot of at-home time. I genuinely feel so lucky to be around this much for these formative years in my boys’ lives. Having said that, my parenting focus has never been more demanding. My flaws are on full display each day, and I have no choice but to face and address them.

It’s important for my sons to see my emotions. Being a robot is just as ineffective as losing my cool but finding that middle ground is not easy. However, I know it is essential in how they view me as a leader. 

Much to my chagrin, I still raise my voice when triggered. I hate that it is a go-to for me and I work on it daily. To counter those weak moments, I try to sit with my boys after emotions cool down and quickly talk about it. If necessary, I apologize for yelling and explain where my frustration came from. I give them time to explain their side and we move on. 

Be Your Own Person

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” 

Fredrick Douglas

I have no idea if my parenting approach is right. What I do know is that I am growing and striving to improve for my sons every day.

I try to remember that no matter what, my boys know that I love them, support them, and will show them how the world works to the best of my ability. My job is not to force a round personality into a square expectation I have of them. It’s to act as a mentor and guide them along the way as they develop their own personality.